I'm fairly certain no one actually reads this blog, which is good because otherwise I'd feel pressure to actually write in it more than once every month or so now that SAS is done and I've morphed into a bit of a lazy twat.
I've been thinking a lot lately about things that have let me down thus far in life. Not because I'm emo or feel the need to be sad, but because I'm wondering why these things have let me down, and wether it's going to come in handy in the long run. Obviously everything that happens happens for a reason, but what reason? For example...
CAMP. People who know me know that camp is, has been, will be a massive part of my life. I started going when I was about 10 and went every single summer, growing from child, to teen, to adult; camper, to staff wanabee, to counselor. I literally BREATHED (brothe?) camp. It was everything to me. Unfortunately, this summer was really rough for me. I wasn't 100% focused on being there for the kids because I was trying to graduate college and plan for my trip around the world, and the 23 hour days started to take a toll on me. Also the fact that certain staff members were just absurdly political, disrespectful, rude, and hypocritical... and it all just became too much. So I decided I was going to leave between sessions 2 and 3. The plan was to bow out after the kids left, leave quietly so no one really knew I was gone until in service began. But that's not the way things went. The powers that be forced me to make a choice- leave before lunch and never come back, or stay. Um... I'm sorry... what? Naturally I was shocked, hurt, and pretty fucking offended. You'd think that after 11 years somewhere you'd have earned a bit of respect. So I sat and thought about it, and I realized that camp was never going to love me the way I loved it, so I left. And I can honestly say it was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my entire life. I know there are a very small group of people who can relate to the decision I made, but I don't know if anyone was essentially told to "fuck off" quite as hard as I was. For a while, I was pretty pissed off. And honestly, I still am a bit pissed off, because I feel like I deserve a lot more respect for the work I did there. Since leaving, I've lost touch with some of the people who meant the absolute world to me. People that I grew up with, who I felt I could turn to for any trouble I had in the world. People who really knew me. And now, half of them wouldn't go so far as to write on my facebook wall to see how I'm doing.
And it's not just the adults that I'm struggling with, it's knowing that this summer I won't be there for the kids who I know care about and respect me. Kids that need a constant adult figure in their life. I can't be that anymore, I can't be the person they turn to when they're upset and need to cry or the one they look to to jump up and dance on the chairs in the dining hall. I've let them down, and in turn I've let myself down. And it just fucking sucks because all that I want is to be there for the kids and help them in the ways they've helped me.
Other than camp, I guess I'm just let down by various people in various different capacities. There are groups of people who have let me down in ways I've gotten over, people who let me down on a daily basis and then fix it, and people who let me down in small ways that don't really matter. But once you dig through all those people, you find the people who heal your wounds, the people who you actually talk to about this stuff, the people who matter. And the fact is, I've got a few of those people, which, in retrospect, is all that really matters.
